‘Why do you do this work? It must be exhausting. Does it really matter? What do you get from it?’
I love synchronicity. I’m currently in the depth of soaking up knowledge and exploring new theories, ideas both experientially and conceptually. I’m training to be a Counsellor alongside a 2 year training programme under the leadership of Andrew Wallas as the School for Wizards.
Challenging and building an understanding of life is incredible.
In the last couple of weeks, I’ve studied Bowlby’s ‘Attachment Theory‘ and jumped into a weekend of ‘awareness from within’ with two experienced practitioners Shomit Mitter and Lizzie Luminati, as well as healing and trusting intuition with Michelle MacEwan. What perfect timing. As it always is.
Each teaching or technique required different set ups. Focusing on what I believe my current blocks to be. Being in a state of flow. Allowing the awareness within.
What’s coming up in my consciousness is a question about why I’m single. Is it timing? Do I really want a relationship? I tell myself I do. Am I lying? Is it me? What’s the invisible block that’s not enabling a real deep connection to be part of my life. I have a story around it of course. But what my mind tells me, as I’m discovering is just that. My story. The truth lies in the unconscious. What’s in the depth of my gut. And where I’m at, and maybe this is my onion, unpeeling layer by layer an unconscious belief of being unloveable. Is that it? Or is that just another layer? But one thing for certain. If it is. It is just that. A belief. No truth. No facts. It’s time to let that go.
As part of my visioning Michelle asked us to focus on something that felt blocked. I spoke about my fear of hurting a man. She commented that it felt deeper than that. That maybe I should consider my fear of being rejected. A-ha. In my visualisation the words I spoke were ‘I’m unloveable’. They felt deep.
The next day, my counselling training revealed the 4 characteristics of Attachment Theory. The secure, disorganised, the insecure avoidant and insecure ambivalent. It was unquestionable where I’d place myself. Along a continuum yes. I’m a third child. I’m independent. I hold real emotional intimacy at arms length. I’ve rarely let myself be fully vulnerable with a man. To fall and trust he would catch me.
I finally felt clear. I can see my behaviours when faced with intimacy and vulnerability. Where my head goes. To observe and understand this is incredibly freeing.
Then last weekend at Wizard School we worked through awareness, what it is, how it’s created, what to do with it and we did some amazing experiential work. Placing ourselves on the continuum of where we started from 2 years ago and where we are now. We expressed ourselves, through movement and using our senses, but with as few words as possible. To allow my body to express how I’ve felt, was incredibly moving. In that awareness my life is simple. My life is also unawareness. I feel much more aware of why I behave as I do in relationships. I feel more able to ask myself the questions when triggered. So from sitting in a classroom, creating the collages of the Attachment personas, making it apparent that nothing is wrong. That we all have some level of attachment. It’s the coping mechanisms I’ve instilled in myself from an unconsciousness that I can unlearn with awareness.
That’s the soul food. Seeing myself through a different lens. Understanding my beliefs and cutting through the instilled conditioning. All to open up my heart for more love.
And that’s just one reason why I do the work…