Playing the Fool Card

By Sam Rudd

“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on” – Eckhart Tolle

As I child I held onto everything and couldn’t let anything go because of my trauma and loss. Holding my parents locked into my heart, clinging to childhood memories to give me some kind of reference point in life, holding onto places, people, things, worrying thoughts, anything to give me a sense being here and being visable. Strangely holding onto everything made me feel safe and secure and gave me a sense of self.

Over time some of the memories faded, new experiences were added and the holding on became a habitual part of me. Each cell was imprinted with a DNA of grasping and my body creaked with the effort it took to live like this. Eventually the holding on became too much and my body decided it couldn’t continue to cling to the coalface and I had to let go. I had no idea what I was letting go of, other than it was surrender on a monumental scale – a proper waving of a large white flag, a cry for help.

And then with the fear of the unknown and the feelings of falling, came  the flood of questions – Why was it so difficult to let go or even understand what it meant. What happens if I  don’t know what I need to let go of? Why did I choose to hang on?  Sometimes I would be told “Just let  go” but this simple comment would throw me into a complex spin of confusion not knowing what I was meant to be doing.

As life threw more and more obstacles at me, each with its own unique story, I found the reasons to let go began to grow.  I began to understand and make friends with ‘letting go’. I forget the amount of times that I have had to look death, jobs, homes, pets, friends, family,  any kind of loss in the face and know that the only way forward was to grieve and let go, allowing space, peace and healing.  With each story yet another layer of the onion peeled off, often leaving me feeling raw, vulnerable, unprotected and alone.

Somewhere along the journey, I started to be empowered and found it comforting to know that I was moving towards some unknown goal, abit like being on an exciting quest and finding treasure along the way.

It has taken time to for me to understand that letting go is a deep form of trust of the unknown. It is the Fool card from the tarot.  It is forgiving.  It is allowing.  It seems to me that by letting go and jumping off a cliff with trust in our hearts we can catch a thermal, catch a wave and live from a place of flow and clear and pure intention.  By letting go with love from our heart we create space to welcome in ever more love. That by letting go and not holding onto the cliff edge, we can actually step into an abyss that will support us.  As we let go of the layers that hold us back and get closer to our truth,  we get to step into our power and embrace life with awareness and light.

I am happy that I decided to start letting all go those years ago. It’s my work in progress. It’s a life long journey that  sounds so simple yet I have found it deeply profound and empowering.  Its one thing I have never regretted – taking the first step into the unknown. Each letting  is a step away from  the past to move gracefully  into a better future.  Here’s to letting go, new beginnings and a life that dreams are made of.

Guest writer: Sam Rudd is a mother of 3 boys, living in Oxfordshire. She worked as a Producer of fashion and advertising campaigns for many years and more recently as a Photography and Film Agent.

Credit: @kasjanf

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