Soul People

The Modern Day Wizard

What I want to know, is why am I not on your Soul Person on your website‘.

That’s because I’m not a wizard yet.’

So I guess now it’s time…

2 years later. Mostly in a room full of religious artefacts, patterned cushions, coloured glass lampshades (I looked up a lot!) and blankets. And if only the blankets could speak. They’d share more insight and wisdom than an oak tree. They’ve witnessed it all.

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The Modern Day Wizard. An enabler. A modern day medicine man. Teacher. Creator.

When I first met Andrew Wallas, I felt naked. I felt his eyes look straight through me. I felt there was no place to hide. And I had a deep, deep knowing that this man was going to become a significant part of my life. The trust I felt in the synchronicity of how I ended up standing on red, yellow and purple fleece blankets in his Old Village School was unquestionable.

Surprised by the cashmere jumpers, and ironed shirt, half expecting a long haired hippy dressed in floating linen. Andrew understood my conflict. My confusion. Later to be temporarily labelled confused.com he has the knowledge, experience and intuition to dissect the layers. To see simplicity in everything.

There’s nothing complicated about this stuff‘.

I get it.

We are only a product of our experiences, our thoughts, our upbringing and if you’re comfortable to go there, our past lives. We’re all connected. There’s actually very little difference between us. As Jo Cox acclaimed ‘We are far more united than the things that divide us‘.

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Over our 33 indulgent days at The School of Wizards, my most tender moments were unraveled when I least expected them. Often when resistant, and not knowing what was going to rear its ugly head. My shadow. On one occasion, when, as I sometimes could, I’d sit there for 15 hours knowing in the pit of my stomach that something wasn’t right. My body knew. But did I know. Hell no. As I tuned in to my body, I’ve learnt more and more that I can’t hide from the warning signs my body throws at me. ‘Stop. Listen. I’m here. You can’t carry on like this’ or even just whispering ‘I don’t think this is right for you. You’re off your path. Please listen to me.’ For me, I feel it in my stomach. My voice disappears and I retreat into myself. And this was one of those days. And he knew.

We would often pull one of our names from a pack, for when someone was required to demonstrate the point we all needed to hear. Who would work through their stuff. When we did this work, it was the most powerful experience, impossible to fully describe. And the beauty was to watch the impact on every single person in the room.

So that day my name came out the pack. I knew it. He knew it. So, here I was volunteering my process, and whatever was going to unfold, for us all.

Andrew held me. One arm on my stomach. One on my back. He took me on a journey of breaking through the labels and reasons I’d given myself for not having children in my life. His very presence and his acute questioning sent me into uncontrollable tears, again and again. And he cried with me. Holding me.

The magnitude of this work explodes in group work. And for him to hold that space is incredible. What I mean by that is. Imagine just my story. Me, wanting his attention. His support. Multiply that by 12 or more other women. Add in the complexity of us questioning his methodology, challenging him, people going into collapse, others leaving with more questions than answers. In all that, he had a trust. A trust that ‘this is how it’s meant to be’. That there is no right or wrong. It just is what it is.

To hold that space, and make that stand for each and everyone of us, time and time again for 2 years is commitment and love.

At times he would look exhausted. You’d think he was carrying not just all our stories, but many other clients and his own family energies. After a weekend processing stuff, and it is just that, stuff or stories, I’d leave not able to speak. It is exhausting work.

Our work over the 2 years would cover the physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual self. Andrew brought together other teachers, some of whom he’d know for over 30 years. I felt privileged to be exposed to the views and experience of some of the leading thinkers and practitioners in the world.

As I look back to day 1 I recall why I believed the School for Wizards was right for me. Andrews initial observation was that I was lost. That I had so many options of which way to turn, but I didn’t know which way to go. My energy was fear and although I had plenty of everything I needed in my life, I was looking for connectedness with people. I needed a nudge to align me and allow myself to step into who I wanted to be in the world.

2 years later, what do I know. As one mind. We all have the same thoughts. But to be able to shed light on my thoughts and to ‘rearrange the furniture’ is the gift Andrew has given me. To know my survival strategy, to see my schizoid, to feel into my heart, give and receive, find my centre, see the inauthentic masculine, be vulnerable, know and love my shadow and most importantly to see my story and let it go.

Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed. Life won’t be the same again. It can be magical. I feel more at peace. But I also know life can be difficult and painful, but I now know why, and I know that like everything in this world. It’s temporary.

And the question that will stick with me. ‘But, if you were to know.’ Life happens.

Thank you Wizard.

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4 Comments

  • Reply
    Guy
    August 13, 2016 at 6:36 am

    Dearest Carmen

    I don’t know you but your writing is the most extraordinary I have ever known….your words have movement and personality and an inner excitement….one can’t put you down…one has to read to the end of the storyline….amazing and thank you. XxGuy Andrea’s Husband xx

    • Reply
      Carmen Rendell
      August 30, 2016 at 7:39 pm

      Guy,

      Thanks so much for your words. Very generous of you. I’m sure you’ve seen the other side too, so I really appreciate you taking the time to read my version. All the best.

      Carmen

  • Reply
    Andrea Lucas
    August 13, 2016 at 6:40 am

    Carmen, I have just re read this piece, you have so heartfelt and deliciously written. You are an incredible and amazing woman and your talents are awesome.. Reading about your experiences is so moving and oh what a journey we have all been on at the Wizard School shared magically… The Gifted Counsellor.. you are already. xxx

    • Reply
      Carmen Rendell
      August 30, 2016 at 7:40 pm

      Andrea,

      Thank you darling. It’s been a hell of a few years, and I’m privileged to have shared that with you. Now there’s no hiding hey! Love you. Carmen x

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